Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Some wounds never heal

As I have gotten older (and I'd like to think wiser). I have come to realize there are some things in life we just never recover from completely. The hypothetical wounds heal, but are never completely gone. I still get emotional when I think about the day Annaleigh was admitted to the hospital for RSV. I still get nervous when she gets a cold. When she coughs I instinctively reach for a blanket to prepare for the gagging, entire bottle spit up she had when she had RSV.
Having a c-section was another hard one. I had a few weeks after Phillip was born where I was incredibly sad and mourned what felt like the loss of my womanhood. I think only women who have gone through this can really understand what it feels like. I had resolved to try for a VBAC with our next child. We didn't expect to have another baby so soon. I wasn't sure my body was healed enough to be able to push out a child and if I ended up with another c-section I needed someone there to help me with Phillip. If I had a c-section I wouldn't even be able to get him out of bed. So in order to insure I would have help with Phillip we opted for another c-section. I have learned to accept I will most likely never have a normal birth. Having a scheduled c-section does have it's perks. I know exactly what to expect. We will know ahead of time exactly when our children will be born. I will always have help available. It still hurts, though. When I hear of a women who had a natural birth I always feel a twinge of jealousy. It isn't so bad that I loathe other women, but I just know I will never have that and it hurts.
Then there are other wounds only a few know about. Wounds that we are afraid to share with others and that tend to resurface when we least expect them. They effect those closest to us in the ways they resurface. The hardest part of dealing with these is knowing they will never go away. The resurfacings become farther apart with time, but we know they will always happen. And I think that's what sucks the most about those wounds. They never go away!

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