Friday, May 13, 2011

A New Journey

Today, I started a new journey. A journey that terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. A journey that is honestly an embarassing journey to have to take. I decided to share my journey on here to motivate me to complete it this time. I am starting a weight loss journey.

I have struggled with my weight most of my life. The funny thing is most of my life I really wasn't all that overweight. I just let peer pressure and society's view of who I should be let me believe I was "the fat kid." Criticism is a powerful thing. I was young and impressionable enough that after feeling like "the fat kid" for so long I became "the fat kid." I've known I've had this problem for a while. I've tried in the past to lose weight and I have. I did Weight Watchers in college and was down to 170 when I quit. I know for most people that sounds high and is probably still overweight for my height, but for me it was incredible. I felt so much better. I could tell I had lost weight. I felt thinner. Then, the regular semester started back up and I quit after a few weeks of trying to fit it all in. I was going to school full-time and working a day job. I had a really hard time finding foods I could eat on the go that fit into the Weight Watchers plan. Really, I just found an excuse. I'm sure there are deaply rooted psychological reasons for this. Some of them I've figured out and there are probably still some I have not, but I don't think you want to explore my inner self.

So, I slowly gained the weight back. I really can't blame a lot of my actual weight on my pregnancies. They have actually been rather decent for me. I was back down to my weight at my first appt with Phillip only a few short weeks after I had him. I only gained a total of 5 lbs with Annaleigh! WOW! So, with her I was lighter after giving birth than I was before I got pregnant. I can blame my shape on pregnancy. Despite having lost all the weight quickly after Phillip I was never able to get back into my pre-pregnancy pants. About a week before we found out I was pregnant with Annaleigh I was finally able to put on a pair of slacks I had from before Phillip. Pregnancy totally distorted my body.

So, why now, right? I had Annaleigh over 4 mths ago. You would think I would have made this decision earlier. Well, first, I've already gained back some of the weight I lost while pregnant with Annaleigh. That's just downright depressing! I've also been doing a lot of self reflection lately. Not so much about my appearance. I really am at a point in my life where I don't need approval from outside sources. My husband will pretty much love no matter how I look, though I'm sure if I let my body get way out of control he'd have something to say. I've been thinking more about the job I'm doing as a mother and wife. I was pretty depressed as Mother's Day approached. I felt like I wasn't a mom to be celebrated. My house is generally a mess. I pick up almost every day, but I rarely find the time to do a really nice deep clean. I feel like I spend more time saying things like, "no," "get down," "don't hit your sister," and "get out of that" than anything else to Phillip. I am exhausted with him by the end of the day. Of course, it doesn't help that usually he decides to get into things when I've just sat down to feed Annaleigh or when she's beyond sleepy and I have to actually put her to sleep. I would never say Phillip is a bad kid. He generally does try to help even though there are times when you can tell he knows what he is doing is wrong, but does it anyway. I just feel like I'm not focusing enough energy on him. I'm not playing with him enough. I've blamed his endless energy on the weather. He can't get outside to get out his energy so he gets it out by misbehaving. It took some reflection to realize I can help him get the energy out inside. I need to be right there beside him playing. I need to let him chase me through the house. I need to be there for him. Our TV is on almost the entire day. What is this teaching him? I don't want him to grow up thinking it is ok to sit in front of the TV all day every day. SO, I decided I needed to lose some weight, get more energy and take more time to play with my son.

This is not going to be an easy journey. I don't expect to lose weight with jaw dropping speed like the Biggest Loser contestants. I am realistic and know this is going to take some time. I may not even lose any in the beginning. I'm ok with that. I need to be making lifestyle changes. Ones I can teach Phillip and Annaleigh. I realize it will take time to make changes that will stick, but I'm ready!

I can do this!

1 comment:

  1. You totally can do it!!! and you are a wonderful mom. Im sure it gets tiring & wearing have two kiddos to take care of plus all the other wifely/motherly duties-laundry, groceries, cleaning the house etc. I completely think satan is out there making us feel inadequate or like we are not good enough moms. I've been there before. Just gotta realize your doing the best you can & the best for your kids and thats good enough. Good luck!